By MARS SVEC-BURDICK, Staff Reporter

You probably hate that freshman couple kissing on your locker. They’re probably in the way of your chemistry textbook, and now you’re probably going to have to ask them to move. Ugh, couples, you think. However, I’m calling you out as a hypocrite. If that wasn’t you today, it was last week.
Halfway through the year in these dreary, rainy, sunless months, in lieu of better things to do, many Sequoia high school students resort to each other. Following the long-term relationships’ milestone of Valentines Day, and the subsequent new relationships bonding over not having a sweetheart on Valentines Day, loving couples exhibiting public displays of affection are an unavoidable hazard in the hallways between point A (biology class) and point B (physical education).
“It’s a problem if they’re loud. Loud kisses are annoying,” said sophomore Alfred Louchard, who’s in a relationship of his own. “But our friends still complain about us,.”
His girlfriend, sophomore Lauren Regnier, explained that since they aren’t the type to make out in the middle of the cafeteria, their friends’ complaints are unjustified.
“It’s not the honeymoon phase anymore; we don’t have to be next to each other [all the time],” Regner said.

For couples still in the honeymoon phase, the forbidden Japanese tea garden is a steamy and obvious romantic getaway. Other couples have top secret and elaborate codes referring each other to more private corners of the school.

“I know different people who’ve been on the campus long enough to make acronyms for the different places they go,” freshman Morgan Taradash said. She wouldn’t let us publish the acronyms, but if you hear someone throwing around ‘meet me in the BSW,’ ‘see you under the FBFB baby,’ avoid secluded areas.

Counterintuitively, the oldest upperclassmen aren’t to blame for the worst puppy love.

“I don’t think it’s freshmen at all. Period. I’d say sophomores and juniors mostly. I wouldn’t say seniors because they’re the mature ones on campus,” Taradash said.

One theory for this is that after four years, seniors are already sick of each other.

Though comparatively innocent to the horizontal picnic table ‘cuddling’ I’ve seen, hugging seems to be the most hot-button issue around PDA.

“At my old school you weren’t allowed to hug for more than three seconds, so it’s so different coming here,”

Taradash said. “It’s like people hugging for ten minutes. Like, alright, you can let go now.”

This might be why campus aids sometimes discourage hugging. Regner and Louchard have had some experience with this.

“The bald guy with the suit hugged me vigorously because I was showing [Lauren] love and not him. It was a complicated situation,” Louchard said.

I’m not on a high horse here; I’ve occupied just as many lockers, and complained just as much about the rest of you. But, come on guys, we can get better at this. Sex positivity doesn’t have to mean sexual tension everywhere. If the campus aids aren’t around to keep hugging in check, please self-regulate hormone and/or jealousy levels.

Coupled students, keep in mind that school is a place for productiveness, not reproductiveness.
In the meantime, unpaired students, complaining is a waste of breath. Please save your moaning for your next kissing partner. Either shack up, or shut up.